“Can You Just Please Help Us Out”?!

Imagine if Lou Costello and Bud Abbott had stopped to ask for directions. They would pull up to an open-air café and ask politely, “excuse me sir or mam, but could you help us, we are lost”. The patrons would then reply, “I am they and them is them” and so on and so on. Confusion would amass between the two as they ask again, “Can you please let us know where to turn to catch the interstate”. Again, the patrons now feeling as if their wishes and preferences are not being respected would reply, “I am They and Them is Them, over there is Z and Em is right here, now could you please address us by our preferred pronouns, and then we could help you along your way”!

Abbott and Costello looking at each other whispering, trying to desperately continue their requests for assistance. Abbot says “Um ok then, They, how much father until the exit for the interstate we are running late and our boss along with his secretary are waiting on us and we don’t want to let them down”. Them turns around and says “Excuse me what were you asking”? Bud and Lou are getting tired of these antics, Bud exclaims “Ok, please, we are running very late and we have people waiting on us, could you please tell us where we need to go, is it over here or over there”? Their then aggressively barks out, “Hey you cis, why don’t you start addressing us by our gender-neutral pronouns, since we don’t conform like you obviously do”!

The two, looking at each other, confused, angry and desperately in need of directions, both speak up in chorus asking once again, “Excuse me Z, could please tap him on the shoulder” pointing to what is perceived to be a man. Him turns around and says “Hi, what can him do for you”? Bud say “ok sir” and is quickly cut off by Him. Him states the obvious to the other patrons, but not to the two lost travelers in their car “I am Him, please address me as such”. “Ok” says Lou, “Him, we are very lost and we have no idea of where the turn off is, could you please tell us where we must go to get there”.

Again, Their, now getting blatantly tired of the constant hate and disrespect coming out of the car says “How about you two get out of here and leave us alone, we don’t welcome your hate here”! Bud, trying his best to mask his frustrations calmly asks again “Is there anybody here that can help my friend and I out, we are terribly late, our boss is going to lose his mind and he might fire us, and his secretary, she will do her best to make sure we never find work again”. His, He, She and Her, hearing their pronouns being called, come outside to find out who is calling out their pronouns.

Now the automobile that Lou and Bud are in, is being quickly surrounded by almost every patron. As they clamor about addressing each other to figure out how to handle these two hooligans, Bud and Lou overhear “He, what do you want to do, They get over here, Them come and help us, She grab His and bring Z along with, Their put that down, we won’t be doing any of that today”. The gender non-conforming patrons start to lean on the car and bounce it back and forth. Lou says to Bud, “We got to get out of here, we will ask elsewhere a few miles up the road”. Then Abbott and Costello fearing for their lives, hastily drive away, hoping to lose the mob that was just terrifying them.

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